Seconds into the episode we hear a rooster crow… I think about inappropriate jokes… And we are into week three of this AMAZING JOURNEY.
Jimmy Kimmel’s dramatic entrance that was teased at the end of last week’s episode is revisited and we get to see him waking a sleeping Farmer Chris.
As a sidenote, I think this Jimmy Kimmel tie-in is weird. I get that ABC is leveraging both their shows to help boost ratings – but it felt more than a little forced most of the time.
Anyways… Chris’s half-asleep “What the f*ck?” was quite endearing and still a sweeter response than what I would have delivered to a unexpected man in my bedroom at dawn. We also learn that FC doesn’t sleep naked – just boxers – so simmer down, ladies.
Chris Harrison greets the ladies at the mansion. He tells them they’ll be spending time with another man this week. They guess… A dog? A Pig? Considering Jimmy Kimmel’s behavior this week, those guesses weren’t actually that far off.
Jimmy walks in and they promptly freak the eff out – per usual. He tells them that he plans to make love to each one of them to help understand who is best for FC. Uncomfortable laughter ensues.
He then let’s the girls know that since the word ‘AMAZING’ is grossly overused on this show, he is introducing the Amazing Jar. Every time someone says the word, they have to pay a dollar into the jar. Jimmy said with all they raise they’ll probably be able to buy the mansion and all live in it together.
He hands out DATE CARD #1 (read by Juelia): Kaitlyn
Something to the effect of: “You’re invited into an exclusive club with hor d’oeuvres, high ceilings and sweeping views.”
Immediately I thought of a private plane and the mile-high club.
And I COULDN’T have been more wrong. The limo pulls up to Costco and poor Kaitlyn says, “Oh, we’re really getting out here…”
Let it be known that YJ and I LIVE for Costco dates and have so much fun there. But… We aren’t on national TV and we’ve been together for two years. And we’re easily amused. And we live in the ‘burbs. You get the point…
FC an Kaitlyn are instructed to buy stuff for a dinner party… for three, because Jimmy has invited himself over. They also have a “Scavenger hunt” list of other random items that Jimmy has requested… including enough ketchup to fill a hot tub. Kudos to these two for having a good time with the date.
Chris reflected that this is the kind of thing real couples do together, immediately followed with the two of them rolling around in what can only be described as an inflatable hamster wheel. And making out in that plastic ball of potential suffocation. I agree, totes normal…
They load up the limo with ALLLL their purchases and unload ALLLL those purchases back at FC’s house. I was amused that they did all the heavy lifting themselves, and didn’t let an ABC intern get after it. I guess any kind of hard labor is a little taste of the farm life to come.
FC and Kaitlyn busy themselves around the house getting ready for dinner. It was refreshing to see a relatively low key, normal date this early in the game. She was a perfect choice and handled the whole day with a great attitude.
They relaxed outside, sipping bourbon and making out, when Jimmy rolled up on them. Both FC and Kaitlyn were guiltily smeared with red lipstick. Wouldn’t you wear tinted chapstick or a nude gloss if you knew that your mouth was probably going to be all over somebody else’s mouth?
Could have been awkward or embarrassing, but all three handled it with grace… surprisingly.
Kaitlyn told Jimmy that the date was fun, and then laughingly said he was a dick. Which is true. And he agreed.
The boys grill together (as men naturally gravitate toward) and there’s a fun, sarcastic banter between the three of them.
Jimmy sits between Kaitlyn and FC at dinner, as only a good third wheel does.
Jimmy asks Kaityn if she’d be mad if Chris picks her in the end, and three months later they are watching the show together and she sees that he banged all three girls in the fantasy suite. She says, “No. I wouldn’t be mad. You don’t buy a car without test driving it first.”
She totally gets ‘cool girl’ points with that response from the guys. I’m not sure if I buy it. I’d imagine if things with Chris get more serious, she’ll dig her claws in and let her crazy show. But time will tell… for now, she is saying and doing all the right things.
Kaitlyn ultimately gets the date rose and they proceed to take a dip in Chris’s hot tub. Of course, more kissing ensues and as the camera pans out we see Jimmy in the tub too… eating chicken wings. It felt forced and unnecessary.
We cut back to the mansion where Jillian is intensely working out, TRX bands and all.
Sweet Kelsey says: “How do you compete with that? Do push ups in child size shorts!”
It’s time for DATE CARD #2 (read by Becca): Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha, Nikki and Carly
“Are you ready to meet some real party animals?”
The girls arrive at the “Hoe Down Throw Down” – which could have just as easily been a mud wrestling match between these classy broads. Sadly, however, it’s a country themed obstacle course where the girls need to:
- Shuck corn
- Crack an egg into a frying pan without breaking the yolk
- Milk a goat (and drink hot, unpasteurized goat milk)
- Shovel manure
- Wrestle a greased pig into a pen
Here are the quotes that matter since this date was dumb (this isn’t Big Brother, y’all)…
FC: “Drinking goat milk out of the teet isn’t important to me but I’d like it if she could shuck some corn.”
Mackenzie: “Oh, Jillian’s shots?” <mmoooooooo> “Yeah, the cows like it.”
Amber: “Salty and warm. Not stuff I like in my mouth. Some girls said it tastes like protein.”
Ultimately, Carly won the challenge and celebrates with an adorably nerdy victory dance. Home girl chugged that goal milk AND she’s lactose intolerant.
Blue ribbon well deserved!
As part of her ‘prize,’ Carly and Fc get to participate in an impromptu ‘American Gothic’-themed photo shoot. Of couse, Jimmy has to participate as well…
That night, the hoes from the ‘Hoe Down’ head over to another rooftop overlooking Hollywood. Carly steals him for some 1:1 time right away – feeling empowered with her challenge win. She tells Chris, “You are a man and I am a woman and I just want to take advantage of that.” She then pulls him in for a kiss. I applaud her boldness and FC seemed impressed.
Amber asks FC to dance on her 1:1, and they, too, kiss almost immediately.
We then see him making out HARD with someone… Jillian I think?
Annnnnd, always one to let her age do the thinking, Mackenzie asks Chris, “Why are you kissing everyone else?” I think in her naive 21 year old mind he had only kissed her and they had something special and there was no other connection with any of the other girls. I almost want to say, “Bless her heart,” but then I remember how annoying she is and I’m glad she’s getting a smack of reality upside the head. She thinks she might have blown her chance with him… I hope so, but my instinct says she still has some life in this game.
FC rounds out the night with a 1:1 with Becca. They have a great convo and an almost kiss, but she holds out. She lets him subtlety know that he needs to earn the kiss and she wants it to mean something. Even better, she gets the date rose and she didn’t need to be a ‘hoe down’ to get it.
DATE CARD #3 (read by Kaitlyn): Whitney
FC takes Whitney (and her voice) to Saddle Rock Vineyard for a lovely afternoon of wine tasting and light conversation. I’d like the record to show that Whitney is sleeveless vest in light denim – not a fashion choice I’d make on a first date, but to each its own.
Chris tells Whitney that he likes people who can “roll the cob.” Before you start getting all kind of dirty thoughts, that simply means those who can go with the flow or shoot the shit.
I feel like “roll the cob” is like “fetch”… neither is ever going to catch on.
I think Whitney and FC seem nice together, but there is no sexual tension or chemistry.
They look over the railing of the outlook they are sitting on and see people setting up for a wedding. Whitney decides they should crash it. #YOLO I’m really not sure how spontaneous vs. staged this is – but I like the idea more than whatever other generic date the producers may have had planned.
Thus… Chris & Whitney go home, get changed, buy a gift and get ready to crash. They decide to pretend they are engaged and Whitney is an old acquaintance of the bride.
They start mingling and FC proves immediately that he is a terrible liar/improviser. Good thing Whitney can “roll the cob” with the best of them.
They seem to have a really fun night, and even end up on the dance floor with the bride and groom. Chris gives Whitney the rose at the end of the night and says in an interview that he could picture her as his wife.
It’s morning back in Bachelorland and we see FC showering in his outdoor shower… with Jimmy… soaping each other up. I’m officially over this plot line and am craving next week when Mr. Kimmel returns to his lair.
After getting squeaky clean, Jimmy goes to the mansion to tell the ladies that they are going to have a pool party instead of a cocktail party.
Most of the girls were excited. Ashley I. laments, “I was SO EXCITED to do my Kardashian look tonight and now I can’t.” I’m not sure how her ‘Kardashian look’ differs from the other 365 days of the year – but #sorrynotsorry
Jillian is floating around the pool with a censor bar over her booty – AGAIN.
Juelia pulls Chris aside to be a buzzkill and tell her about her very sad story.
Juelia tells FC about her husband’s history of mental illness and ultimately his suicide. It’s an awful, gut-wrenching story and my heart breaks for her. The pain still seems very raw and I don’t think that the best thing for Juelia and her daughter is to be on a reality TV dating show that we all know she’s not going to win. Go home, honey.
Of course, what better way to bounce back from a downer of a conversation that to kiss more ladies – amiright!?!
Chris spends a little 1:1 time with Britt. They make out. Obviously.
Jade then asks Chris for a tour of his place. He happily obliges, and before you know it they are in his bed… wait for it… making out. She is wearing strappy heels and the editors have layered in some serious baby-making music… Afternoon Delight, fo sho!
While this tour of Chris’s humble abode is taking place, Jillian and her censor bar decide to go wait in his hot tub. Which is hella awkward because she is hanging out solo for way longer than she intended…
But eventually FC and Jade come up for air. They find Jilian outside and Jade graciously leaves to give them some 1:1 time. Mackenzie and Ashley I. show up right away and try to climb in the hot tub to join the party. Jillian shuts them down – and these girls (with no backbone) shuffle away from the tub.
Mackenzie and Ashley I. (and now Megan, too) watch from the driveway(?) as Jillian and FC talk and eventually kiss.
The girls decide to attempt to join the hot tub once again. They are pissed that Jillian won’t leave. There is a lot of ‘that’s not fair’ temper tantrums simmering just under the surface… except for Ashley I. who totally boils over into a bit of a breakdown.
She is able to snag FC for some 1:1 time, though, and starts laugh/crying so hard FC doesn’t have any idea what to do with her. She comes across as super emotional and immature and insecure – not a good look, lady!
She secretly rubs her magic belly button ring for good luck, and manages to kiss Chris anyways. And by kiss I mean mouth rape. They almost fell off the roof. Perhaps I wanted that t happen a little too much…
And… it’s rose ceremony time!
- Kaitlyn – Date Rose
- Becca – Date Rose
- Whitney – Date Rose
- Samantha (has she even spoken to Chris?)
- Ashley S. (congrats for staying off the radar)
- Ashley I.
Who got sent home? : Amber, Trina, Tracy
Next week looks INTENSE and I’m so ready for it… and I’m so ready for no more Jimmy Kimmel.